My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
