If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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