this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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