I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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