i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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