i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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