I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
