I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's just like the Real World with babies
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
