Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
