based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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