Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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