I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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