Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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