So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
