I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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