My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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