I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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