if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
