I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
