wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
