I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
