I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
