I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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