The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You took a bar mat shot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
