If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
