They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
