if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
