I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
