So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
