Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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