At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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