Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
