My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
