I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
