either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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