dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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