Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
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so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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