Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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