It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
