Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
