My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
