She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
All I want is dick and wine.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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