Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
