i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
