Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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