Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
