Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
