you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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