Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
