Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
