I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
