I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
