I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
