Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
