I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
